a rant about men and food

 I have grown to really despise this male epidemic of disordered eating and body dysmorphia and spending all their free time at the gym. I wish men would realize that, even though bodily superiority is attractive amongst themselves, and a status symbol to other men, that woman don’t, on the whole, care for it that much, and in fact are usually pretty repelled by it. I can explain this, too. to me, it just kind of comes off as this pseudo-macho, self-absorbed insecurity that most women I know don’t dig. 

don't get me wrong, I love an active man. I just love active men with healthy relationships to their bodies and themselves and food and their manhood. it’s one of my favourite things ever to go on hiking dates, go camping, canoeing, walking, etc. it’s just when you spend all your free time inside at the gym that it feels weird. you’re not staying active and chasing experiences outdoors or in your environment, the only goal with being at a gym is to alter your appearance and it’s just so boring to me. 

more than that, and I know a lot about this, if you have to watch all your macros and go to the gym six days a week, that’s not healthy or sustainable, as much as you try to convince yourself it is. I nearly died from chronic anorexia and orthorexia in my teens so I truly know how it feels. it becomes completely out of your control at some point, and fully compulsive like an addiction if you let it get far enough. 

I’m just growing worried for the young men of my generation. that’s two guys I’ve dated now that are, in my opinion, way too “disciplined” around what they eat and I find it beyond triggering to be around that, with all sensitivity to their inner struggle. I just mean as a recently recovered anorexic I still have trouble being around those kinds of people, especially because men unknowingly take so much pride in it. I know they really believe that it’s healthy. 

I took time to bake chocolate chunk sea salt cookies for the guy I’m dating on saturday and he ate one and loved it. he said it was the best cookie he’s had in years, to which I was like “thank yew awwwh” but then he proceeded to tell me that he feels like he can do that because he can just work it off at the gym tomorrow. those kinds of comments make me feel two things. at first I feel a bit upset that he feels like the cookies I made are just so indulgent that he needs to work them off and can’t just enjoy them or have another. 

I’m a vegetarian (for environmental reasons) and ate the steak he cooked for me because I knew he put so much effort and care into making it perfect. you could argue that’s a difference in values, but I felt like I made a sacrifice, and he did not. but then the part of me that relates to him takes over, cause I remember feeling that way when my body was slowly dying and my life was miserable. I told myself I couldn’t afford to make any sacrifices. 

I feel sorry for all the men that are feeling this way right now, and I wish I could see past it and date them too. I really like this guy a lot, it’s just an all too common thing I’ve been seeing and it scares me because I hate remembering that time and that part of myself, I really just don’t like thinking about it. I just want to date an athletic guy who does care about being healthy but will also happily eat four or five of my cookies with me as we watch a movie. 

when you share something you’ve baked with someone, it’s like showing them a drawing you’ve made, or a poem you’ve written. you feel like your talent and worth is in question. you just want to impress them, or for them to enjoy it. I made something like twenty cookies for that date and he had only one. I’ve had to go through the rest of the cookies by my lonesome fully recovered self lol (and they’re going). 

wow that’s a lot but I had to rant a bit. if you’re a man (or a woman) and you’re struggling with food, please take this as your sign to go easier on yourself, maybe eat a cookie:) you’ll feel stronger.